I Like OJ - A 5 Year Old Script

I wrote this play when I was a junior in High School, back in 2001. I titled it "I Like OJ" because I do in fact love Orange Juice. The moral of the play is clear, don't drink oj after you've brushed your teeth. After performing the play at my high school with a guy on his knees playing the midget a reporter from the local paper came to interview me. She in fact was a midget and when I shook her little hand I appoligized for offending anyone. She insisted that she loved it, but I still feel like someone was playing a pretty big practical joke on me that day. Without further ado here is theh script for "I Like OJ":

“I like OJ”

Cast of Characters:
Stefan
Nancie
Warren
Crew Men
Dancers

(Stefan and Nancie are sitting at a table with a McDonalds bag on it.)

Stefan: Did you get me my chicken nuggets?

Nancie: Yeah, Yeah. What’s with you and these things?

Stefan: Well, you know the feeling you get when you’re so happy you are about to cry? Ya know,
Throat feels funny and you know tears are going to come at any second?

Nancie: Yeah, is that how you feel about chicken nuggets?

Stefan: No, they’re just good.

Nancie: OK? (Puzzled)

(Crewmen come out in black and start to take away the backdrop, table, and chairs.)

Stefan: What the? What are you doing, this is my parents house.

Crew Man: Sorry sir, but I just follow my script. It says that there is a scene change here.

Stefan: (Looking to Nancie) What script? Do you have any clue what’s going on?

Nancie: I have no clue, but it seems fun, let’s go with it.

Stefan: What? But my parents house.
(They find themselves alone on an empty stage.)
Stefan: Where are we?

Nancie: At least we’re not in limbo anymore, I hate scene changes.
(Two people holding Ice Cream comes come out doing interpretive dance.)
Stefan: Excuse me? Where would you say we are right now?

Dancer #1: Why you’re in the Land of Incongruity. Can’t you see that we are dancing with ice cream? This is where you go between any scene changes. That’s right you are still in the middle of scene change.

Nancie: I hate this place it’s so scary.

Stefan: Oh I see. Hmm…

(Man enters with a disgusted, close-to-vomiting look on his face.)

Nancie: What’s wrong sir?

Warren: Ugh! Yech! I just drank some orange juice.

Stefan: So what, its good for you and its refreshingly tasty.

Warren: Yeah usually, but I just brushed my teeth.

Nancie: Oh that’s gross I hate that.

(A man runs across the stage with scissors, waving his hands.)

Stefan: This is too strange. That guy is running with scissors. How do you get out of here?

Warren: Haven’t you seen Wayne’s World?

(Stefan and Nancie watch with puzzled faces.)

Warren: Just do this (He does the doodilydoot thing) Doodilydoot, doodilydoot.

(Stefan and Nancie follow along and find themselves at the DMV.)

Stefan: This is a wicked long line. I wonder what we’re all waiting for?

Nancie: (Reaches into pocket and finds a piece of paper.) This is my car registration, and its
Expired. That can mean only one thing…

Nancie & Stefan: WE ARE AT THE DMV!!

Stefan: I hate this place. There are always so many weirdoes and everyone is so cranky. Look that guy is wearing sweat pants in public.

Nancie: How can anyone do that to themselves? Dressing like that is just sick.

Stefan: Hey, look there’s a midget. (Refers to offstage, unless we can get a real midget.) Those things are so cool. They’re just like normal people
except a quarter the size.

Nancie: How can you say that? He’s just a person with a mutated gene or something. I believe the
politically correct term may be a mutant. Yes I believe they prefer to be called mutants.

Warren: I don’t believe you two, mutants? They are just more vertically challenged than short people, give them a break.

Stefan: Whatever, I like mutants better, like Wolverine and Cyclops, they are the best.

Nancie: Shut up! (To Warren) Excuse me…?

Warren: My names Warren.

Nancie: OK, Warren. How do we get back to Stefan’s parents’ house?

Warren: Well you have to accept that from everyone else’s perspective you are just as different as everyone you see here.

Stefan: What? We’re not weird, we are way more normal than any of these people.

Nancie: Yeah, these people are freaks, we are far from it.

Warren: Don’t you see, its all perspective?

Stefan: Like a first person narrative? Or like Bob Dole? He talks in the third person.

Warren: No, it’s like when you look at something as if you were in someone else’s shoes.

Nancie: I know what you mean. Like if I were a baby everything would be bigger than it is to us.

Warren: Yeah you’re getting it.

Stefan: And if you lived a long time ago you would think that the earth is a square and not really a triangle.

Warren: Umm… Yeah sort of. (Nancie mouths, “Just ignore him”)

Nancie: So, if I wore sweatpants in public, people not wearing sweatpants would be weirdoes to me, right?

Stefan: And if I were a midget I’d be scared of everyone because they are all bigger than me and would want to hurt me.

Warren: Yeah, now you’re getting it. It’s all perspective.

Nancie: So, do we still have to wait in this line and put up with the annoying ladies behind the counter?

Warren: Yeah, I guess you have learned your lesson. Ready?

Stefan: Yes I love this part, Doodilydoot, Doodilydoot. (Does the doolilydoot thing.)

(They all follow along and the scene change takes place and they are back in Stefan’s parents house.)

Stefan: Whoa, I am glad that’s over. That Warren guy made no sense. Those people were all freaks.

Nancie: Didn’t you learn anything?

Stefan: Yeah don’t eat McDonalds for a while except for the chicken nuggets of course. I think there may have been some psychotropic hallucinogenic drugs in the French fries.

Nancie: You are so dense.

Stefan: I am going to go brush my teeth; I don’t want that coming back. (Exits SL)

Nancie: All of that made so much sense. If people would just take a look at each other from different perspectives we could all get a long. There would be no more war and hate in the world. We would all live in world peace. (Stefan enters and sees a carton of Orange Juice on the table and contemplates drinking it. He sips it and runs off of stage to spit it out.)
I think the real lesson here though, is never drink orange juice after you brush your teeth.

I hope you enjoyed this short play. When it was done in high school it was directed by Kyle Ford, I played Stefan, my friend Shane played Warren, and a bunch of other random people had small parts. I think my friend Brandon was in it somewhere too. It still makes me laugh every time I read it and I'm impressed with my writing back then. I don't think I could do that now. Mrs. K gave me an A, so she mush have liked it.

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Take Eminem's "Lose Yourself", the Lord of the Rings Trilogy and a guy with way too much time on your hands and this is what you get. This was originally written and performed live in the Strange Bedfellows Sevnacy Improv show at Bates College. This was recorded late into the night of the Alumni show last night. Thanks to Niles for providing all the Harpoon and thanks to Kevin for being a musical genius.

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The Squid and the Whale is a painfully accurate film by Noah Baumbach about a family going through a divorce in the mid-80's. I don't use the word dysfunctional to describe the family because this family is as real as it gets. If you have been through a divorce as a child or as a parent this film will ring true to you on many levels. You will get the perspective of everyone in the family no matter how disturbing it may be to you. If you are from a divorced family this film will make you cry. You will be reminded of things that your mind has let you forget or suppress for years. Noah Baumbach captures the situation with such detail that I found myself constantly amazed at the details he was able to bring to fruition. The custody battle of switching homes on specific days of the week is right, the father cooking horrible meals is correct, the mother being responsible to pay for sports and winter coats is correct, even the way the children choose to ally with their parents is perfectly portrayed.
I find myself feeling like one of the divorced elite while viewing this movie and I get angry at people from "normal" homes that love this movie. I think, "fuck you, I lived this, what right do you have loving my misery". I may be totally off by believing this but those of you from "normal" homes have to understand that this is not a satire, it isn't a parody, it is completely true. I commend Baumbach for making this film and helping people like myself realize that my experience was not completely unique. If you are from a "broken home" watch this movie and be hurt by the little things that Baumbach nails with perfection. If you are from a "normal" family watch this and realize that this film is not fiction but a harsh reality that half of the United States experiences.

Rowen and Hastings = the next Hip-Hop Moguls

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Philadelphia is the place to be if you want to be touched by the most talented duo since Simon & Garfunkel, Method Man/Redman, Jessica and Nick, or Sonny and Cher. Nate and Gavin produce Mississippi. When it comes to East Coast these guys are the next up-and-comers. Give their My Space a hit and download a few of their tracks. Here is their video for Canadian as a sample of what they have to offer.